Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A gay man feels ill so he goes to the local free clinic. At first the doctor there doesn't want to treat him but realises he has to because it is a government clinic and he can't turn anybody away. After performing a few blood tests he discovers that the man has AIDS.
He goes into the examination room to inform him, "Sir your test results have come back and I'm sorry to inform you that you have AIDS, there is nothing I can do for you."
Quite angrily, he man says, "There must be something you can do; you're a doctor for God's sake you've got to do something! If you don't at least try to help me I'll sue you for everything you have!"
After thinking for a moment the doctor tells the man, "Go home and drink one bottle of Milk of Magnesia, eat one box of Ex-Lax and eat one jar of jalapeno peppers."
With a new sense of hope the man asks, "Will this help to cure AIDS?"
"No", said the doctor, "But it will teach you what an asshole is for."
Monday, September 9, 2013
Brain Analysis
Man vs. Woman
1. MULTI-TASKING
Women’s brains
designed to concentrate multiple task at a time. Women can Watch
2. LANGUAGE
Women can easily learn many languages.
But can not find solutions to problems.
3. ANALYTICAL SKILLS
Mens brains has a lot of space for
handling the analytical process. They can
4. CAR DRIVING.
While driving a car, mans analytical spaces
are used in his brain. He can drive
5. LYING
When men lie to women face to face, they get
caught easily. Womans super
6. PROBLEMS SOLVING
If a man have a lot of problems, his
brain clearly classifies the problems and puts
7. WHAT THEY WANT
Men
want status, success, solutions, big process, etc... But Women want
8. UNHAPPINESS
If women are
unhappy with their relations, they can not concentrate on their work.
9. SPEECH
Women use indirect
language in speech. But Men use direct language.
10. HANDLING EMOTION
Women talk a lot without thinking. Men act a
lot without thinking
1. MULTI-TASKING
Women’s brains designed to concentrate multiple task at a time. Women can Watch
2. LANGUAGE
Women can easily learn many languages. But can not find solutions to problems.
3. ANALYTICAL SKILLS
Mens brains has a lot of space for handling the analytical process. They can
4. CAR DRIVING.
While driving a car, mans analytical spaces are used in his brain. He can drive
5. LYING
When men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily. Womans super
6. PROBLEMS SOLVING
If a man have a lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems and puts
7. WHAT THEY WANT
Men want status, success, solutions, big process, etc... But Women want
8. UNHAPPINESS
If women are unhappy with their relations, they can not concentrate on their work.
9. SPEECH
Women use indirect language in speech. But Men use direct language.
10. HANDLING EMOTION
Women talk a lot without thinking. Men act a lot without thinking
Sunday, September 8, 2013
You & God Conversation
You & God Conversation
Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad ... ... ... ...
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to
wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I
picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just
want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax.
BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today!
Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this
morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep
through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a
drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you
were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today
was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have,
I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was
calling was going to give false witness about what you
said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so
you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that
was going to throw out all of the power in your house
tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All
things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always
Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You
for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being
your God and I Love looking after My Children...
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Top 15 Funny Wikipedia Pages
People like to read funny and bizarre encyclopedia entries. History is full of strange people, objects and ideas that will make you laugh. Wikipedia has provided the Internet with a platform to share information. In this article, we will examine a combination of bizarre Wikipedia pages and funny concepts. Comedy can be a difficult emotion to capture. For this reason, you rarely see funny posts. Some of the entries in this article are more shocking than comedic, but hopefully something will make you smile.
15
Phantom Rings
For humans, a cell phone frequency is difficult to locate spatially, and can cause confusion when heard from a distance. False vibrations are less well understood. In an interesting correlation, mothers have also reported a phantom sound of babies crying. This brings to light a social interaction factor. Studies have indicated that an intense need for contact, such as that experienced during a period of extended isolation may produce a similar phantom noise effect. In modern times, some doorbells and telephone ringers are modeled after nature. This can create confusion for people when traveling in a rural area with the same sound.Did you just hear that? It sounded like my cell phone was ringing. Phantom rings are the sensation and false belief that one can hear their mobile phone ringing, or feel it vibrating, when in fact the telephone is not doing so. Humans are particularly sensitive to auditory tones between the range of 1,000 and 6,000 hertz. All basic cell phone rings fall within this range. For this reason, people often experience ringxiety when using a loud device, such as a hair dryer, watching television or taking a shower. How many times have you been blow drying your hair and suddenly turned off the device and checked your cell phone for a phantom call or text.
14
Panty Raid
In the 1930s, American students began the bizarre fad of goldfish swallowing. The practice was characterized by swallowing a live goldfish. In the 1940s, goldfish swallowing was replaced by telephone booth stuffing. In this fad, adolescents would cram themselves into telephone booths. In many cases, as many as 25 students managed to enter a standard telephone booth. Telephone booth stuffing was a great fad, but the practice was finished by 1959. Other common fads during this time in history included hunkerin’ on the balls of your feet, streaking and panty raids. In 1948, the first panty raid was carried out at Augustana College in Rock Island, Illinois.
A panty raid is a prank in which a large collection of college men sneak into a women’s dormitory room and steal some of their panties. By the end of 1952, panty raids were common in American schools and the fad spread to over 52 campuses. In many cases, the women loved the attention and cheered on the men. They opened up their doors and tossed out lingerie. In response to the raid, the women would often times organize their own counterattack. Panty raids functioned as a humorous protest against curfews and restrictions that barred male visitors from women’s dormitories. By the 1970s, the implementation of mixed dorms created a decline in panty raids. The prank made a strong comeback in the middle of the 1980s with the release of the comedy film Revenge of the Nerds, which holds a classic panty raid scene.
13
Love Land
South Korea
Jeju Loveland is an outdoor sculpture park on Jeju Island in South Korea, that opened in 2004. Love Land is a place where love oriented art and eroticism can unite. The park focuses on the theme of sex. It holds a collection of educational films, and features 140 sculptures that represent the human body in various sexual positions. The park is famous for a collection of hands-on exhibits, such as a masturbation cycle. It holds many famous statues, including large a penis and stone labia. After the Korean War, Jeju Island became a popular honeymoon destination for Korean couples, due to the island’s warm climate.
The park was constructed to accommodate the needs of Korean couples, and to entertain foreign travelers. You must be at least 18-years-old to enter the park. A separate play area is available for children and minors. Love Land is a great example of a sex museum. It was constructed to educate the public on the natural process of sexual intercourse. However, it appears that the information is too intense for some federal governments. In 2009, the PRC Government canceled the construction of a sex park in Chongqing. The facility was scheduled to become the first educational sex park in China. In May of 2009, the Chongqing sex park was demolished. It was deemed to have a negative influence on the Chinese society.
12
Fritz Peterson
Fritz Peterson is a former Major League Baseball player. From 1966-1976, Peterson was a starting pitcher for a collection of MLB teams. He enjoyed his most successful season in 1970, when Peterson was 20-11 for the Yankees. During the final game at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, September 21, 2008, ESPN Sports announced that the pitcher with the lowest all-time earned run average at Yankee Stadium was Fritz Peterson, with a 2.52 ERA. Today, Peterson in perhaps most remembered for the circumstances surrounding a bizarre decision he made with Yankee teammate Mike Kekich. In 1973, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich announced that they would be swapping families.
Peterson and Kekich had been friends since 1969. Both men had families that lived in New Jersey, with children about the same age. During the deal, they traded wives, children and even dogs. In 1973, New York Yankees General Manager, Lee MacPhail, was quoted, “We may have to call off Family Day”. After all was said and done, the swap was better for Fritz Peterson. To this day, he is still married to the former Susanne Kekich, with whom he has four children. Because of the incident, Fritz Peterson was regularly booed in every American League ballpark during the middle of the 1970s. He was eventually traded by the Yankees, in 1974. In 2009, Fritz Peterson published his first book titled Mickey Mantle Is Going to Heaven.
11
Witzelsucht
Grumpy Old Men is a film that was released in 1993. It stars Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau as old friends that regularly argue and poke fun at each other. The movie follows the stereotype of the wise-cracking old grandfather. Witzelsucht is a set of neurological symptoms that causes people to make uncontrollable puns and jokes. The term originates from the German word witzeln, meaning to joke or wisecrack, and sucht meaning addiction or yearning. A person with Witzelsucht finds humor in telling cruel jokes and bizarre tales. The disease is associated with frontal lobe disease or injury. Elderly people are prone to Witzelsucht because they lack gray tissue, helping stir the movie stereotype.
10
Small Penis Rule
The small penis rule is a literary technique that is used to evade libel lawsuits. In writing novels, one way an author can protect themselves when mirroring a real life personality is to give the character a small penis. The theory goes, who is going to come forward and say, “That character with a very small penis, that’s me.” In 2006, news journalist Michael Crowley accused author Michael Crichton of using the small penis rule against him. Crowley says that Crichton was upset because of an unflattering review he published about his novel, State of Fear. In response, Crichton included a character named “Mick Crowley” in his book, Next. In the novel, Mick Crowley is a child rapist, described as being a Washington-based journalist and Yale graduate with a small penis.Defamation is the communication of a statement that is implied to be factual and gives an individual, business, product, group or government a negative image. Libel is defined as defamation by written or printed words and pictures. For a statement to be defamatory on the Internet it must be a fact. By definition, opinions posted on the Internet cannot be called defamation in a court of law. You may wonder why you don’t see more high profile Internet defamation lawsuits. This is because the process is impacted by the previously mentioned Streisand Effect. When a person makes a public claim of defamation, the information is guaranteed to be 100% true and the lawsuit will be spread over the Internet.
9
Socialist Hair
In 2004, the North Korean government released a set of grooming and dress standards for the people. Part of the campaign included a documentary titled Let’s Trim our Hair in Accordance with the Socialist Lifestyle. The news segment aired on Korean Central Television in the capital city of Pyongyang. The television program claims that hair length can affect human intelligence. It says that long hair can deprive the human body of nutrients needed to grow properly. The disinformation campaign was part of the longstanding North Korean law regarding haircuts and fashion. In North Korea, many types of clothes are forbidden by law and deemed at odds with “Socialist values.”
In North Korea you can’t be seen wearing jeans, or you will be arrested and jailed. North Korea is clearly fighting a serious guerrilla war against the incursion of capitalism by the expression of personal appearance. The enemy is long hair and untidy shoes. In North Korea, you must make sure that all hair is kept between 1 cm and 5 cm in length. Men shall receive haircuts every 15 days. For the program, the North Korean government hid cameras around Pyongyang in order to record citizens with improper hairstyles. Upon discovery, the men and their wives were criticized on national television. They were mentioned by name and their addresses were released in the media.
8
Post Ejaculatory Guilt Syndrome
Post Ejaculatory Guilt Syndrome (PEGS) is a widely experienced sexual event which lasts for approximately five minutes after the male orgasm. During this time, the man becomes physically and mentally disinterested in his partner. PEGS is a bit of a joke and not recognized as a real syndrome. However, all men reading this article will agree that something happens to your psyche immediately following ejaculation. During this time, the male in question will find himself not as attracted to or interested in the person or subject matter involved with the previous activity. This occurs mainly in dating, casual sex and masturbation.
After ejaculation, the male may also experience emotions of disgust or dislike toward themselves and other people they interact with during the PEGS period. The disgust for themselves sometimes falls in line with the heavy responsibility of having random sex. PEGS is extremely evident after extra marital affairs. It includes a surprisingly large amount of people who are extremely religious and don’t believe in masturbation. The Latin phrase post coitum omne animal triste est (after sexual intercourse every animal is sad) describes the phenomenon. After reaching orgasm, a man’s post-ejaculatory mood reflects a subtle, but noticeable flatness in emotional tone.
7
Michel Lotito
What is your favorite food? I prefer a good steak, ribs or hamburger. In 2007, the legendary French entertainer Michel Lotito died from natural causes. He was only 57-years-old. During his lifetime, Lotito consumed around 1 ton of metal. Monsieur Mangetout (Mister Eat Everything) was famous for deliberately eating indigestible objects. His performances involved the consumption of metal, glass, rubber and other materials.
Michel Lotito disassembled, cut-up and consumed bicycles, shopping carts and television parts. He ate a Cessna 150 airplane. From 1978 to 1980, Lotito manually took apart the aircraft and consumed it. He began eating unusual objects when he was only 9-years-old. By the age of 16, Michel was performing in front of large crowds. During his lifetime, Lotito didn’t report any ill effects from eating the material, even after consuming poisonous substances. During a typical show, Lotito consumed around 1 kilogram (2.2 lb) of metal. He used mineral oil and drank large quantities of water.
6
Contaminated Currency
Most currency contains trace amounts of cocaine and other illegal drugs. Money is one of the world’s most contaminated substances. People use dollar bills in order to snort cocaine and heroin. In 1994, it was calculated that a huge percentage of dollar bills in Los Angeles contain trace amounts of cocaine. It has been determined that currency may be a vector for disease. The United States policy for the distribution of money is not helping the situation. When a large drug seizure is made in America, the currency is placed in a counting machine and mixed with clean money. This causes the contamination of new bills before they are even distributed.
The Journal of Analytical Toxicology has confirmed the problem, noting that the U.S. counting machines are a major agent for the transfer of contaminated currency. The situation has caused legal issues. Drug dogs are able to smell cocaine on money and have been known to falsely identify cash for drugs. In 1999, a study in London tested 500 banknotes for cocaine and found that only 4 did not have the substance. The facts are concerning and the situation has led to a large number of conspiracy theories, which implicate the United States and UK governments in drug trafficking on a massive scale.
In the United States alone, over $15 million worth of banknotes are destroyed every year because they are toxic. The destruction of money is done as a precaution to prevent a serious health hazard. Come on people, Health officials in the UK have warned that a silent Hepatitis-C epidemic may be brewing because of contaminated money. If you handle currency on a regular basis, please be sure to wash your hands before eating.
5
Emu War
Throughout history the world has witnessed a large collection of military powers with the single goal of conquering land. What happens when the culprit is the emu, which is the second largest bird in the world behind the ostrich? In the 1930s, Australia faced a series of droughts that caused a large collection of emus to travel into populated areas in search of water. Instead of finding a way to create a watering hole and help the birds, the people of Western Australia decided to call in the military. In 1932, over 20,000 emus flocked to the Campion district of Western Australia. The birds created problems for the local farming community by eating crops, as well as leaving large gaps in fences through which rabbits could enter and cause further problems.
In response to the problem, the Minister of Defence, Sir George Pearce, organized a collection of soldiers who were given machine guns and ordered to kill the birds. Yes, they decided to use machine guns. Military involvement began in October of 1932. The “war” was conducted under the command of Major G.P.W. Meredith of the Seventh Heavy Battery of the Royal Australian Artillery, with Meredith commanding a pair of soldiers armed with two Lewis Automatic Machine Guns and 10,000 rounds of ammunition. As one might expect, it proved difficult to kill a large amount of emus with machine guns. They are big birds that can take a lot of physical abuse. Six days after the first engagement, 2,500 rounds of ammunition had been fired. The number of birds killed is uncertain. One account claims only 50 animals.
Major Meredith’s official report noted that his men had suffered no casualties. Ornithologist Dominic Serventy commented “The Emu command had evidently ordered guerrilla tactics. Its army split up into small units that made the military equipment uneconomic.” Following the negative coverage of the events in the Australian media, Pearce withdrew the military personnel and guns. Major Meredith commented on the maneuverability of the birds. “If we had a military division with the bullet-carrying capacity of these birds it would face any army in the world…They can face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks.” After the troops were withdrawn, the Emu War was not over and the Australian government placed a bounty on all emus. People became successful trappers and trained killing machines. In the 1930s, emu deaths in Western Australia peaked at 57,000 per year.
4
Catullus 16
Gaius Valerius Catullus was a Latin poet of the Republican period. During his time, Catullus’s was appreciated by fellow poets, but many other people despised his writing. His explicit style has shocked many readers and made him one of the most censored authors in history. Catullus’s poem titled Carmen 16 was considered so explicit that a full English translation was not published until the late twentieth century. Carmen 16 was originally released by Catullus around 75 BC. The first line of the poem, pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo, has been called one of the filthiest expressions ever written in Latin, or any other language.
Carmen 16 is a significant part of literary history, not only for being censored, but for challenging the Roman social decorum of moral orthodoxy. You have to understand Latin in order to completely comprehend the poem of Carmen 16. Let’s take a look at the first sentence in English. It starts and ends with the phrase, I will sodomize you and face-(penetrate) you. The second line of the poem mentions a catamite, which is a boy or youth involved in a sexual relationship with an older man. Latin is an exact language with words for obscene acts. In Carmen 16, there is an elegant poetic chiasm (a criss-cross rhetorical structure) in the first two lines.
Each of the lines has two obscenities. The first of the first line, pedicabo (insert one’s penis into another person’s anus), matches the second of the second line, cinaede (bottom person in that act), whereas the second of the first line, irrumabo (insert one’s penis into another person’s mouth for suckling), matches the first of the second line, pathice (male that suckles a penis). The central pun of the poem occurs in line 4 with quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum. In this line Catullus is challenging the reader, giving a sexual metaphor and saying “just because my writing is soft, doesn’t mean I am.” Should anyone (Furius and Aurelius) challenge his sexuality, Catullus says that he will have sex with them, anally and orally, to prove otherwise.
3
To Sit or Squat
Humans can perform defecation in a number of different postures. The two most common are the squatting and sitting position. The squatting posture is used for Japanese toilets and in squat toilets. The sitting defecation posture is used in Western toilets, with a lean-forward position or a 90-degrees posture. The squatting position is commonly used in the absence of toilets and other devices. The type of posture chosen by an individual may affect certain medical conditions and urination. Articles have been written promoting the squat method, indicating that sitting can cause too much internal pressure. However, the sitting method helps protect privacy and leaves little or no chance of getting fecal matter on your clothes or ankles.
The sitting method may feel more comfortable and can minimize strain in thighs, calves, ankles and the lower back. The sitting posture is less common in the developing world. Toilet seats are a recent development, only coming into widespread use in the nineteenth century. The sitting posture causes the defecating human to assume a narrow anorectal angle. Some people believe this is obstructive and can cause difficulty for the person in emptying their bowels. Critics of the sitting posture say that squatting is “the only natural defecation posture”. The squatting position is also known as the “Catcher’s Position” because of its similarity to the posture of a baseball player. Surgeon Denis Burkitt has suggested that the squatting defecating posture can prevent colorectal cancer.
2
Mondegreen
A mondegreen is the mishearing of a phrase or song lyric in a way that gives the words a new meaning. They are most commonly applied to poetry and music. Rap and hip-hop lyrics are particularly susceptible to being misheard because they often lack an official written version. Hundreds of songs are notable for containing mondegreens. Let’s take a look at some examples. The song Blinded by the Light by the Manfred Mann’s Earth Band contains what is considered to be “the most misheard lyric of all-time”. The line “revved up like a deuce” is frequently misheard as “wrapped up like a douche”.
A Mondegreen is clearly evident in the classic Beatles song I Wanna Hold Your Hand. People have confused the line “I can’t hide, I can’t hide, I can’t hide” with “I get high, I get high, I get high”. One of the greatest songs of the 1980s is Rock the Casbah by The Clash. In the lyrics, the band isn’t locking the cash box, but rather rocking the casbah. A casbah is a walled citadel used in many North African cities and towns. The song invites the people to “rock the casbah” (take a stand). In response, the King orders jet fighters to bomb the protestors. The pilots ignore the orders and instead play rock music on the cockpit radio.
Many examples of mondegreens exist in the music of Creedence Clearwater Revival. One example is the last line in the chorus of Bad Moon Rising. Many have heard “there’s a bathroom on the right” instead of “there’s a bad moon on the rise”. People have struggled with the ACDC song “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” and a large number of mondegreens exist for the song. People think Johnny Rivers is singing about a “secret Asian man”. Elton John doesn’t even know who Tony Danza is. The Fall Out Boy song This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race has many mondegreens. My personal favorite is “this ain’t a city, it a golf cart ass face”.
1
World’s Funniest Joke
The world’s funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire. In 2002, Wiseman constructed an experiment named LaughLab, in which he used a website to rate jokes. The purpose of the research was to discover the joke that had the widest appeal among different cultures, demographics and countries. The winning joke was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
The second place winner is. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
The top choice in the UK is interesting. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” The highest rated computer-generated joke was. What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer.
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